Christmas Widow

My husband died two weeks before Christmas in 2005. He was always our Christmas guy! The annual trip to pick out the Christmas tree was a father-son event from the time our three sons, now grown, and was the kick-off to Christmas season. He loved buying the gifts (although he left the wrapping to me!). He loved Christmas carols and Christmas foods and Christmas cards. He is the one who made Christmas, Christmas. So it seemed right that he would “go home” just in time for Christmas and celebrate his favorite holiday in the grandest style.

But we were left dumbfounded. A Christmas without him was the first event of our grief. His illness had taken up the time usually spent Christmas shopping, so no tree was in place and no gifts bought. I tried to go out and make up the deficit by buying gifts, but I would have a meltdown in the middle of the mall and have to leave quickly before someone called for a straight-jacket. So I gave up.

My youngest son and his then girlfriend, now wife—Stinson and Stephanie—went to the Dollar Store and bought loads of gag gifts and wrapped every single one. That Christmas morning, though tree-less and decoration-less, we did have gifts and laughter. Mostly, we were numb.
The first year of my widowhood was excruciating. I couldn’t leave my house because I never knew what memory might ambush me and send me into a tailspin right in public. I started explaining to my friends and my sons, “A widow lives in my body and I don’t know her. I don’t know how she’ll act. I don’t know what to expect from her. I can’t let her out in public.” The end of the first year, Christmas came again. All my sons came home. We prepared to attend Christmas Eve services, one of my husband’s favorite things, and I had to gather myself up emotionally and prepare myself. My sons—who were not used to having a mom who cried all the time—hovered around me and kept asking me, “Are you OK, Mom?” And it hit me. Oh my goodness! I’m fragile! I had never been fragile before.

I am halfway through my third year of widowhood. I feel like myself again. The widow and I have integrated. But Christmas is coming.

I have written a new book, out this season, called Pursuing the Christ. It is a daily devotional for the Advent season. Daily morning and evening prayers for the month of December. It has made me think about Christmas all year. Christmas has become precious to me again. I want to invite you to a free webcast called Celebrating Christ at Christmas . All you need is a computer and you can watch it from the archives. It will be a girlfriend gathering with several of your favorite authors giving hints for new traditions you can start in your family. Laura Pretherbridge will talk about Christmas after loss and Denise Glenn will give tips for single moms. Register for this free web event at www.prayinglife.org. See you there!