Gleanings

Thoughts and insights from author Jennifer Kennedy Dean

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Christmas Widow

My husband died two weeks before Christmas in 2005. He was always our Christmas guy! The annual trip to pick out the Christmas tree was a father-son event from the time our three sons, now grown, and was the kick-off to Christmas season. He loved buying the gifts (although he left the wrapping to me!). He loved Christmas carols and Christmas foods and Christmas cards. He is the one who made Christmas, Christmas. So it seemed right that he would “go home” just in time for Christmas and celebrate his favorite holiday in the grandest style.

But we were left dumbfounded. A Christmas without him was the first event of our grief. His illness had taken up the time usually spent Christmas shopping, so no tree was in place and no gifts bought. I tried to go out and make up the deficit by buying gifts, but I would have a meltdown in the middle of the mall and have to leave quickly before someone called for a straight-jacket. So I gave up.

My youngest son and his then girlfriend, now wife—Stinson and Stephanie—went to the Dollar Store and bought loads of gag gifts and wrapped every single one. That Christmas morning, though tree-less and decoration-less, we did have gifts and laughter. Mostly, we were numb.
The first year of my widowhood was excruciating. I couldn’t leave my house because I never knew what memory might ambush me and send me into a tailspin right in public. I started explaining to my friends and my sons, “A widow lives in my body and I don’t know her. I don’t know how she’ll act. I don’t know what to expect from her. I can’t let her out in public.” The end of the first year, Christmas came again. All my sons came home. We prepared to attend Christmas Eve services, one of my husband’s favorite things, and I had to gather myself up emotionally and prepare myself. My sons—who were not used to having a mom who cried all the time—hovered around me and kept asking me, “Are you OK, Mom?” And it hit me. Oh my goodness! I’m fragile! I had never been fragile before.

I am halfway through my third year of widowhood. I feel like myself again. The widow and I have integrated. But Christmas is coming.

I have written a new book, out this season, called Pursuing the Christ. It is a daily devotional for the Advent season. Daily morning and evening prayers for the month of December. It has made me think about Christmas all year. Christmas has become precious to me again. I want to invite you to a free webcast called Celebrating Christ at Christmas . All you need is a computer and you can watch it from the archives. It will be a girlfriend gathering with several of your favorite authors giving hints for new traditions you can start in your family. Laura Pretherbridge will talk about Christmas after loss and Denise Glenn will give tips for single moms. Register for this free web event at www.prayinglife.org. See you there!

16 Comments:

Blogger A Journey Well Taken: Life After Loss said...

Wonderful, heartfelt post!

My first Christmas as a widow was not upon the family as quickly as your experience, but it was excruciating. Wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years. October to Januar that first year was a sad doldrum of despair. When I look back, I was depressed and mostly numb, but didn't even realize it. I am almost 5 years into this journey, and I have learned to move my life forward, not always perfectly, but what is best for me. I wish you the best. elaine

October 31, 2008 at 9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The holidays are hard for anyone who has suffered a loss. What we did after my parents' deaths was carry on with the old traditions as best we could. Even after 4 years we are still trying to come up with new 'traditions'. But they just do not feel right. The first Christmas we lit a candle and placed it in the room so they could "be there" while we opened presents. But, for me, it was more painful to see that light and feel their loss than it would have been to just carry on. I know they would want us to be happy for them celebrating Christmas in heaven.
Karen Kuntz

October 31, 2008 at 6:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jennifer, When I think about your keeping your Conference speaking commitments...your coming to Green Acres Bapt. church in Tyler, Texas barely 2 months after Wayne died, I am once again overwhelmed by God's grace and provision not only for you but for those of us who sat at the feet of Jesus in the form of Jennifer. What an honor it was to be a small part of your journey through grief. I'm looking forward to your coming to Pine Cove in 2010.
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